Just another dude with a keyboard

I keep forgetting I have tumblr.

Nomnomnomspacecakes!

Read this.

Done? Good. Read on.

Now let’s get one thing straight before I continue: weed is awesome. I don’t care if you’ve never smoked the stuff or if you would trade your baby for half a gram of Buddha Cheese, if you know about the effects of weed and its safety compared to other drugs [including the shitty ones like paracetamol] you’d know that it is nothing but pure jowkes. Even so, when I read this article I got the feeling that weed was not being represented fairly, which was a tad annoying. Here are the inconsistencies in question.

Police were investigating a possible case of poisoning at the workplace after the three were taken to hospital feeling dizzy and disorientated.

You want to know what poisoning is? It’s when my mum gives me a plate of saag with cyanide capsules hidden in it. Chocolate brownies with some weed in them are about as poisonous as Sour Skittles with a side order of dog shit.

Canadian media reports said police decided not to press charges because there had been no criminal intent.

Damn right they didn’t press charges, these motherfuckers just got free weed.You know what I’d do if somebody laced my food with cannabis?

BUY MORE FOOD.

The son is expected to be ordered to take part in community work.

I can’t argue against this one, I mean most kids are fucking stupid. But, just for a change, they should focus the kid’s community service towards teaching these assholes how to handle weed properly, instead of taking one bite and turning into a bunch of pussies.

Three office employees in the Canadian city of Victoria fell ill after a colleague unwittingly gave them chocolate brownies laced with cannabis.

All three affected colleagues were released from hospital after a few hours.

People who are ill don’t eat entire tubs of Ben and Jerry’s in under five seconds. These people were high.

Arrest them.

Today’s shout out goes to……. Wiz Khalifa, for this.

Conversations with strangers; part seven/11.

Omegle has a new feature where you can ask a question and watch two strangers discuss it. I thought I’d try it out.

You’re now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:
If you could have one superpower what would you choose and why?

Stranger 2:         ▓▓ ▓
   ╔══╗  ╔══╗▓▓▓
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▓█▓▓
   ║▒▒║  ║▓█▓▓
✈            ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║ BEST DAY EVER!!!!!
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║
   ║▒▒║  ║▒▒║

Stranger 1: what the fuck is that.

Stranger 2 has disconnected.

This isn’t even funny, although that doesn’t explain why I still burst out laughing.

Today’s shout out goes to……. Stromae. Check out House’llelujah.

Tarawih shenanigans.

Now that everyone’s fasting again it means no eating, smoking, having sex with myself or using staplers, accidentally stapling myself and then bleeding profusely.

Instead I’ve had to think of other ways to pass my time. Normally I’d be on video games like Sonic on a bonnet, but recently I’ve started to give less of a shit about games because I’m already pretty slick so there’s not much to improve on. Plus there’s no challenge because Lala’s fucking shit.

I can’t watch movies either because I tend to get hungry and I can’t really eat, so that’s a shit plan. YouTube videos aren’t so bad though as they’re generally short bursts of jowkes so that keeps me entertained. Still, I haven’t got anything productive to do so I guess I’ll go back to doing work after my rather short, week-long break.

In other news the Tarawih hype is back on and so my mum has asked [insisted heavily] that I go with my brother to the mosque. This is one of the highlights of my year because it brings together the largest congregation of Paki’s outside of Slough Mela, so in honour of such a wonderful occasion I present to you a few hallmarks of Tarawih prayers:

• Hundreds of Paki’s thinking it’s perfectly acceptable to turn up to the first and last nights of the month because they can’t be bothered with everything in between. Way to go, at this rate it’ll only take you fifteen years to pray a full month.
• That one idiot that always mange to block everybody else’s car in because he arrived late, parked up in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and ran to the mosque.
• The number of old men with stanky feet that don’t wear socks. This is absolutely ghand; socks should be made obligatory in all public places, religious or otherwise. Nobody wants to see your crusty-ass toes man, sort it out.
• Paki’s that leave after 8 raak’ah and just stand outside with their mates. The only reason the Prophet prayed 8 raak’ah was because he was fighting a war, so it’s entirely understandable that he’d have duties to honour towards his comrades. These Paki’s on the other hand have no comrades and also barely have 5 A-C’s at GCSE between them, so they need to do everybody else a favour: either go back in and make an honest effort to pray all 20 or stay the fuck home.
• Kids who run around the mosque as if it’s some sort of playground. Apart from the cute ones — who are usually adorable — the rest could do with a few slaps.
• The dickweeds that challenge each other to see who can pray the quickest. Now I don’t claim to be an expert on this but I’m fairly sure that going from a standing position to sujūd so quickly that you headbutt the floor isn’t the way you’re meant to do it.
• That one “uncle” who always decides to turn the fan off. I once saw some old man turn off a fan and one of the guys sitting in front of me immediately protested saying that it was too hot. The older man just looked at him and went “It’s too cold.” Seriously, there are nine people sweating balls and this one guy turns it off because it’s “too cold.” Allow you old man, go piss off somewhere else!
• The man I saw at the mosque yesterday wearing a “Save Water, Drink Beer” t-shirt. Truly one of the most surreal images I’ve ever witnessed.
• That one guy that always manages to turn up just as everyone’s leaving, because Tarawih is obviously going to be starting at midnight. What a penis.

As you may already know I’m not that religious, but that’s not to say I refute the existence of a God. Rather, I just question the necessity of one. Even so, some people have told me that it’s a little distasteful for me to go to the mosque and not pray which I think is understandable, but in all honesty I don’t see why it’s any of your concern; I still pray, I just don’t see the point of sitting down and getting up a billion times. If anything my prayers are easier for God to answer because most of them are succinct.

“Oi fam, let my mum go paradise innit?”

Stuff like that.

Oh and I don’t really advocate the practice of standing behind some dude with a beard as he recites how shooting stars are missiles for the devil and why Neil Patrick Harris should be killed for sucking dick, all in a language that I can’t understand.

Lastly, for those of you who keep telling me that I fast because I “know Islam is righteous” or because I’m “scared of God like everyone else but just don’t want to admit it,” let me lay it down for you:

I don’t make myself hungry because it makes me a better Muslim, I do it because I can. Unlike you my fasts require more willpower because I have the option to eat Skittles whenever I want. I have that option, I just choose to ignore it.

Because I’m sick.

Today’s shout out goes to……. De Rossi, for saving me many ass-kickings during my time at mosque. Much appreciated man.

Conversations with strangers; partatoe six.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: If you had one wish what would it be?
Stranger: Potatoes.
You: Brilliant shout.
Stranger: Potatoes.
You: You could have mashed potatoes, chips, french fries, boiled potatoes, jacket potato…
Stranger: Potatoes.
You: I like your thinking.
Stranger: Potatoes?
You: Potatoes indeed my young sir.
Stranger: Potatoes!
You: Harry Potatoes and the Cooker on Fire!
Stranger: POTATOES!!!
You: Nomnomnom…
You: PO-FUCKING-TATOES.
Stranger: Potatoes…
Stranger: Potatoes!?
You: Surely not?
You: SURELY NOT POTATOES?!
Stranger: POTATOES.
Stranger: PO-TA-TOES.
You: I need some PotatoeS right now.
Stranger: Potatoes!
You: Goddamn.
You: They’re just so potatoey.
Stranger: Po..tatoes?
You: Pootatoes?
Stranger: PO. TATOES.
You: P.O. [BOX] TATOES.
Stranger: Potatoes.
You: Potato tattoo?
Stranger: Potatoes.
You: Otatop?
You: OH MY GOD.
Stranger: Potatoes.
Stranger: Potatoes!?
You: POTATOÉMON.
Stranger: POTATOESPOTATOESPOTATOES!!!!
You: My friend, this has been an absolute pleasure.
Stranger: Potatoes! ^^
You: Sayonara Potato-san!
Stranger: Potatoes!

You have disconnected.

Coversations with strangers; part five — Fuck Sean Avery.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: If you had one wish what would it be?
Stranger: hi
Stranger: honestly?
You: Say whatever you want.
Stranger: for her to be mine
You: Is she already in a relationship?
Stranger: its complicated.
You: Fair enough.
Stranger: not really fair lol
You: If it’s something you feel strongly about I say go for it.
You: I mean, let’s presume she’s in a relationship.
You: For arguments’ sake.
Stranger: its not that easy
Stranger: and ok
You: Is she a friend and you don’t want to jeopardise your friendship?
You: Or something similar?
You: I’ll admit that I’m curious.
Stranger: no weve been more than friends
You: But you don’t need to say anything you don’t want to.
You: Of course.
Stranger: no its okay. and like were together kinda not dating but like a flirtationship id say and shed come over every so often and wed watch movies and makeout but nothing more
Stranger: and her dad lives in Bama
You: Dude, movie-makeout sessions are the shit.
You: Well played.
Stranger: so she went to visit him and she ends up getting a bf down there and moves in with him and yes i agree they are the shit
You: Ouch.
You: That sucks.
You: How long has she been with this new dude?
Stranger: i flip shit then get drunk and call and text her, this being the day after her brother dies i did not know this
Stranger: hold up im gettin there
You: Dude, the next time you have alcohol do yourself a favour and turn your phone off; bad shit happens when drunk guys, especially ones in love, start fucking with phones.
Stranger: so shes pissed and wont talk to me, understandable… she comes back and we have a mission trip 2 go on. we so and we make up were bffs again. and ive realized im not drinkin for awhile, it was my first time
Stranger: and anyways she gets on call while on mission from the guy (avery) he cheated on her.
You: Well at least you understand that alcohol is bad in times of need.
You: Her boyfriend cheated on her?
You: Well fuck him then.
Stranger: yes.
You: It’s simple.
You: Go over and kick his face in.
You: You’ll be doing the world a favour.
You: I’d help you but I’m across the Atlantic.
Stranger: so shes back with her momma and she comes to my house all upset and guess who she wants back?
You: Her boyfriend.
Stranger: no me lol
You: Oh. Well fuck that then what are you waiting for?
You: Carpe diem.
Stranger: hold up thers more
You: Seize the moment and all that other Latin shit.
You: Didn’t shitty-ass Hollywood movies teach you anything
Stranger: so she still has to go visit her dad one more time b4 she goes off 2 college, but she still lived with avery
Stranger: lives
Stranger: they sleep in tha same bed
You: So they probably have sex.
You: But once she leaves it’ll be fine.
You: Sex is just sex.
You: It’s not making love.
You: So it’s fine.
Stranger: but when thers feelings attached
You: It’s annoying for you, understandable, because you actually like her.
You: Dude, I get you.
Stranger: ive talked to the guy
You: But do what you have to do to get her.
Stranger: he wants her as much as i do
You: Let me just interject for a moment; you’re American, right?
Stranger: correct
You: So you know who Sean Avery is?
Stranger: uhhhhhhhh
Stranger: dude im young
You: And? For fucks sake I’m English and I know this:
Stranger: lolz
You: Sean Avery is a dickhead Hockey player.
You: He’s a dickhead.
You: CALLED AVERY.
Stranger: LOL i love it
You: Fuck the boyfriend.
You: He’s a douchebag.
You: He had his chance and he blew it.
Stranger: dude shes GOING TO COLLEGE THO
You: And where are you going?
Stranger: and he has a job and can support her
You: Yeah right; I’m sure he can support her by letting other girls suck his dick.
Stranger: im going to fucking highschool
Stranger: i cant even drive
You: How old are you?
You: How old is she?
You: And how old is Señor Douchebag?
Stranger: 15 dude i told u im young shes 18 and that ass is 21
You: Pish posh.
You: Fuck age.
You: I’ll admit that you don’t exactly have the numbers on your side.
You: Right now that is.
You: But you don’t need to be old enough, you just need to be mature enough.
Stranger: its not the age its what comes with it
You: I’m 20 and I don’t drive either.
You: But I am fucking smart as hell, so I can figure this shit out.
You: Oh and fuck a driving license; driving licenses are for asshole truck-drivers.
Stranger: i am. i think. if i was 16 i wouldnt be in this fuckin hotel room id be in that assholes house kissing her lips off her face
You: You’re in a hotel?
You: The hell you doing in a hotel?
Stranger: yea im on vacation
You: Where exactly is this vacation?
You: Please don’t say it’s near a beach.
Stranger: Dallas fucking Texas
You: Thank fucking God.
Stranger: i wish it was near a beach
You: The state with the shittiest NFL teams in the country.
Stranger: yes.
You: Where are you from originally?
Stranger: Illinois
You: Alright, I’ll let you get away with that because you have some association with the Chicago Bulls.
You: Still, this is what you need to do:
You: Speak to your girl before college.
You: Ask her what she’s planning on doing.
Stranger: no i dont like that bulls cept 4 jordan pippen and rose
Stranger: ik what shes doing
You: I’ll be honest, if she goes to uni dating the douchebag then she’ll probably end up cheating on him.
You: It’s bound to happen.
You: He did it once, it’ll probably happen again.
You: She’ll find out and revenge- fuck some Napoleon Dynamite looking motherfucker.
Stranger: well they arent datin they just live 2gether and shes comin back 4 my homecoming football game
You: What position do you play?
Stranger: offensive tackle and Outside Linebacker
You: What the fuck?!
Stranger: what?
You: You’re telling me you’re an outside linebacker and you haven’t beaten Avery up yet?
You: The hell are you doing with your life?
You: Lawrence Taylor would be fucking ashamed.
Stranger: hes 6 years older than me and hes in the fuckin military!
You: Alright, calm down.
You: When she gets back for your homecoming game what is she doing?
You: He’s in the military?!
Stranger: but i do love that u used LT
You: OH MY DAYS.
You: He’s a fucking moron.
Stranger: goin 2 the dance with me and yes i know
You: “Oh look at me, I’m going to get myself killed for no fucking reason.”
You: He’s a twat.
You: I hate him already.
You: Good.
Stranger: oh hes not a infantry
You: Dance is good.
Stranger: he works on fuckin planes
You: You mean he doesn’t fly them he just works on them?
Stranger: yes
You: HAHAHAHAHA.
You: What a fucking loser.
Stranger: with her daddy
You: He may as well work at Barnes & Noble.
Stranger: lolz my frien calls me Jackson noble
You: Because your name is Jackson and you’re noble?
Stranger: My name is Jack and i guess i am
You: Well that’s a good start.
Stranger: yea lol
You: But nobility isn’t going to get you pussy.
You: I mean, your girl.
You: You know what I mean.
You: So, she’s going to the dance with you but you can’t drink anything other than Dr. Pepper because you’re a baby.
Stranger: lol i getcha bro and scince im not varsity i can take her to my house after the game
You: So what you need to do is either A] drop her some roofies or B] charm the shit out of her.
Stranger: ill go for B
You: Good lad.
You: I like your thinking.
You: Because really, A isn’t even an option.
You: It’s just a ticket to prison.
Stranger: or i could wait til after and get those 5 bottles of UV out
You: UV?
Stranger: Its flavored vodka
You: You have vodka?!
You: You snarly little bastard.
Stranger: still tastes like shit
You: I FUCKING LOVE THIS IDEA.
Stranger: how u think i got drunk?
You: It’s vodka!
You: It’s meant to taste shit.
Stranger: oh and my momma knows
You: I thought you had some sort of root beer or something; dude, you’re fucking 15, what was I meant to think?
You: Your mum knows you have alcohol or that you like the girl?
You: Or both?
Stranger: its small town america we get drunk and both
You: Small-town America is good.
You: Alrighty, so the plan so far:
Stranger: not on purpose does my mom know i got caught with both
Stranger: 25 shots of blue vodka is not smart your first time drinkin
You: 1] She comes back to see you play.
2] You record double-digit sacks.
3] She thinks you’re fucking badass.
4] You go to the dance.
5] You come back and celebrate your homecoming and her going off to college with a few drinks.
6. By ‘few’ I mean at least 50 shots.
7] You get her drunk.
8] You screw her.
9] You possibly tell her that she is gorgeous/hot/pretty/your woman/perfect/any combination of the aforementioned, but NOT BEFORE you screw her.
You: Kid, try 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes and then get back to me.
Stranger: you dont do shots of beer
You: You do in England my man.
You: And trust me, that shit will fuck you up.
Stranger: thats weird. we drink it out that can.
You: So do we.
You: We just pour some of it into a shot glass.
You: About 100 times.
Stranger: and we finished 4 bottles in 30 mins
You: It’s called a centurion.
You: You’ll understand what it is when you get to college.
Stranger: lolz
Stranger: i know what centurion is
Stranger: century 100 yrs not that hard
Stranger: break the word down
You: Yeah well forget that. From now on the term Centurion exclusively refers to drinking game whereby  you have to drink 100 shots in 100 minutes.
You: The challenge of actually living to 100 pales in comparison.
Stranger: btw i dont thik shell let me drink with her. she wont even text me when shes drunk. which is smart
You: Smart?
You: Listen up kid:
Stranger: of her
You: I AM SMART.
You: …ER THAN HERE.
You: So what you do is put that shit into a stronger drink.
You: You got any Dr. Pepper?
You: That shit will mask bleach.
Stranger: yea but she drinks Jack and beer
You: Grab some and whack some vodka in.
You: Bam!
You: Well that’s too bad because unless she’s called Kesha she’s drinking vodka.
Stranger: and she wont drink no DP dude but i g2g its been real thank you. ill figure this shit out.
You: Whatever you do, don’t fuck it up.
Stranger: Hakuna Matata
You: And remember to kick the shit out of Avery!
You: KASME!
Stranger: i cant dude hes kinda 2000 miles away
You: Did you actually just use a quote from The Lion King?
Stranger: its my life phrase bro
You: I have high hopes for you young man.
You: HIGH. FUCKING. HOPES.
Stranger: alot of people do alot of people but Jack Jones is merely a man. Peace

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Today’s shout out goes to……. Jeff, the random guy on Omegle that was fortunate enough to see George Carlin live. How I envy you sir.

Conversations with strangers; part four — The morphing moron.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: If you could have one superpower what would you have?
Stranger: Morphing my body lol
You: That’s interesting.
You: What would you morph?
You: And why?
Stranger: everything because it would look cool lol
You: How old are you?
Stranger: 17
You: Figures.

You have disconnected.

Conversations with strangers; part three — Ethiopian Idiot.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Do you like… cake?
Stranger: no
You: Seriously?
You: Cake is amazing.
Stranger: bit too sickley.
You: What about chocolate?
Stranger: again too sickley.
You: Ouch.
You: I’m going to guess you’re a female, 19 and from the States.
You: Am I right?
Stranger: hell naw,nigga, you couldn’t be more wrong.
You: Male, 18 and from Ethiopia?
You: I’m guessing you’re black.
You: Which is fine with me.
You: I can play dat shit.
Stranger: no, i’m white as fuck
You: That doesn’t matter.
You: Wigga’s are in nowadays.
You: Do you smoke weed?
Stranger: Nah, fuck that.
You: Good.
You: DON’T TOUCH IT.
You: It’s shit.
You: Do LSD instead.
Stranger: hell no
You: Why not?
Stranger: dirty.
You: It’s safer than alcohol.
You: It’s the safest drug ever found.
You: And it’s FUNKY too.
You: Definitely not dirty.
Stranger: any kind of drugg is gunna make you a loser
You: Cannabis can mitigate the effects of cancer.
Stranger: it’ll just reduce your life worth cause you’re dumb enough to put that crap into yourself willingly
You: That’s pretty cool isn’t it?
You: Are you religious by any chance?
Stranger: no
You: Do you drink alcohol?
Stranger: lil bit.
You: Alcohol is a lot worse for your body than some other drugs.
You: You might want to give it up.
You: It’ll destroy your liver.
Stranger: only ever drink if it’s a party or something
You: That’s pretty normal.
Stranger: tastes dirty
You: It’s horrible stuff.
You: Which is why you should pop an E.
You: BAM!
You: Give it an hour and the honeys will be all over you.
You: Swear down.
Stranger: ….em no.
You: You don’t have to take a full one.
You: Just take half a pill.
Stranger: i don’t want to
You: And if you like it maybe take six more.
You: It’s perfectly safe.
You: The only adverse effect is potential heart failure.
Stranger: nah, i’m good.
You: Fair enough man.
You: Anyway, how old are you?
You: Planning on going to college?
Stranger: maybe
You: What you thinking of studying?
Stranger: resistant materials, music or art
You: Oh okay.
You: You’re definitely going to need drugs to get you laid studying any of those.

You have disconnected.

Conversations with strangers; part two — The tale of Young’s modulus.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Are you a guy or a girl?
Stranger: Does it matter?
You: A little bit.
Stranger: How can you verify my response?
You: If you’re a guy I’ll have to think of guys names.
You: If you’re a girl I’ll have to think of names suitable for somebody with boobs.
Stranger: Wow, you’re really smart……
You: No need to tell me that.
Stranger: Obviously
You: I’m going to go for George.
You: Harry?
You: Jack?
You: Shane?
Stranger: Tex
You: Dwayne?
You: Tex?
You: Fuck that.
You: I’m going to call you T-Rex.
Stranger: Syndee
You: Much cooler.
Stranger: Sindee
Stranger: I’m a porn star
You: Your parents must be elated.
Stranger: It was my dad’s idea
You: Ah, topLAD.
You: At least somebody in your family has balls.
Stranger: He always said I was a natural born c**k sucker
Stranger: I could suck a tennis ball through a garden hose when I was 5
You: That wasn’t as funny as you intended for it to be. I’ll give you another chance, but this time, try harder.
You: It would technically be possibly to move a tennis ball through a garden hose as long as its elasticity was in keeping with Young’s modulus and was made of materials sufficiently capable of disassembling the Van der Waals force between atoms quickly enough.
Stranger: Who are you to judge what’s funny, you haven’t said one funny thing yet
You: You didn’t ask me to be funny.
You: You just took the liberty to tell me of your occupation and followed it up with a really bad joke.
You: What was I meant to do?
You: Give you a cookie?
Stranger: You must have ADD
You: Spur you on in your endeavour?
You: ADD is for fools.
Stranger: I haven’t heard a coherent thought yet
You: That’s because you wouldn’t HEAR a thought over the internet you dipshit.
You: Besides, everything I’d put forth would be a notion.
You: Thoughts are what I have.
Stranger: You’re thought are just copy and paste from a web site, read a book for gods sake man. Have an original thought

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Spew some shit about Thomas Young and Van der Waals force and most people will cower in fear in front of you.

Even though I cocked up and said atoms instead of molecules. Whoops.

Today’s shout out goes to……. CuteyCat.

Is there anything that you don’t like?

Your best friend’s in a relationship. Like. R.I.P. [random celebrity douchebag]. Like. Your brother just broke his leg playing football. Like.

I am sick of this shit. Stop it. You don’t have to like everything to try and prove that it’s cool, worth reading or worth looking at, because if it was I’d have read it, looked at it or possibly even stuck my dick into a hole made of it.

Girl: Oh look, my mum just bought a pineapple. I think I’m going to create a Facebook status and like it.

If you post that status I will kill your mum.

Inside jokes are fine. Somebody posting a status that only a few people will understand is cool with me; inside jokes mean that you can share the fun with people you actually give a shit about.

What isn’t fine is on the other hand is when everybody else starts liking the status after the first few people have liked it and then cause the entire thing to blow out of proportion until it gets to the point where I read the status, notice how many people have liked it and wonder what the hell I’ve missed out on. I have few friends on Facebook for a reason, namely that whenever something happens there’s a chance that I was involved and so I won’t be kept out of the loop. So, when you people start liking statuses that have absolutely diddly-fucking-squat to do with you I find it almost insulting because it insinuates that I may have overlooked something, that perhaps there’s something I’m unaware of.

NEWSFLASH DICKWADS: There’s nothing I’m unaware of.

And the next time you consider liking something make sure that you think it through, otherwise I’m going to use my awareness to rip your stupid dwarf-ears off you shit-stirring pricks.

I can’t be bothered with transition material right now. Read on.

Relationships on Facebook are another thing that make my blood boil. Now let’s get things straight before I continue; I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be happy for your friends if they’re in a relationship, even I can understand why that may be necessary, but that’s exactly why the whole like thing is getting out of hand. If one of your friends [I’m talking about good friends, not those shitty acquaintances you keep] is in a relationship don’t you think they deserve a little more than a click? One of my friends started a new relationship just yesterday and I didn’t like it. No, what I did was whip it out my phone and send her a text message because text messages are the fucking balls. I sent her a message letting her know that it was awesome that she was getting sex on tap, at which point she immediately sent one back reminding me that she was indeed getting it on tap and that I was getting nothing. That’s all it takes you; a simple message as friends with a bit of banter sandwiched in between. Simple, yet effective.

Still, liking somebody’s status about their new relationship is little else but a mere frivolity compared to people who like statuses about two people breaking up. Seriously, what part of the following don’t you understand?:

THEY JUST BROKE UP.

At least give the poor bastards some time alone before you do your best “Michael Jordan going for a rebound” impression you desperate cunt. Nobody wants a clingy prick trying to hit on them, and if you do then I’d suggest you take a long hard look at the state of your life and sort it out before you make yourself look like a complete fucking hobo.

Or skank. Girls aren’t exempt either.

Before I go I’d like to take a quick moment to illustrate that there are in fact instances where the like button becomes useful, so here’s a list of situations in which liking something is acceptable:

• Immediately after I post something.
• Whenever somebody posts a video of black persons on Facebook [this essentially justifies Ash’s habitual liking]
• In response to a monumental par.
• Immediately after somebody has posted something about me, be it positive or negative; as long as my name is mentioned it is always likeable.
• Any scenario in which the words girl, sandwich and kitchen are mentioned.
• Immediately after somebody posts a status about Cypress Hill. If you are already listening to Cypress Hill when you discover the post then you shall be given an extra hour to compensate for your reduced motor-neuron capabilities and general tardiness.